Numb
by livesruined-bloodshed
Summary: Kyoko's POV. She and Saya are older and in a complicated friends-with-benefits-esque relationship.


**AN: I don't usually do first-person, so this is weird for me. I feel the need to explain. It's set sometime in the future in a relatively normal world... with magical girls and stuff, that is. Kyosaya are basically friends with benefits, and neither of them are happy. _I just kind of love emotional breakdowns, and Sayaka is so good at them... Kyoko needs one too..._**

Sayaka was intensely passionate and refused to slow down. Her hunger backed her into a corner, and still she didn't stop running. She kissed hard and fast and touched me with desperate fervency. She cried every time I held her back or tried to talk to her. She was held together by a thin thread of sexual desire and forced laughter. And I didn't force the subject because I was terrified of losing her again. I kissed her with rivaling intensity and dragged my nails down her back because it forced her to stay close, if only for a minute.

Sometimes I didn't see her for days, and I cried and shivered and bargained with higher powers and despaired in thoughts of her empty stomach and shaking shoulders. She always came back, and I held her for a few moments and made tea while she slept. She seemed annoyed with my incessant eyes on her, but she didn't mention where she had been and hardly touched the food I set out. I wanted to ask her so much, but she laughed and kissed me with heat and a degree of force.

"When did you become such a pushover?" she giggled, index finger pressing her cheek and a deceiving smile on her lips.

I tried to smile back, but she was cold and appeared on the brink of tears again. She leaned in, but I ducked away from the kiss. "Sayaka..."

Her eyes widened in fear. I placed a hand on her back and pulled her into my lap. Hot tears ran down her cheeks and onto my shoulder.

"Can you talk to me?"

She buried her head in my breast and gripped tightly to my sides. I stroked her thin hair and fought the part of me that wanted to whisper, "I love you." Keeping her close to me was the only thing that mattered, absolutely essential.

"I want... to feel like you do."

She pulled away, and I could feel my heart breaking.

"Like I do?"

"You know... How you feel about me."

"Sayaka..." She looked up suddenly into my eyes.

"Yes! Like that! I want to feel like that."

I clenched a fistful of her skirt, silently begging her to explain, but she only nodded and allowed her own thin tears to fall onto me.

"How... do you feel?"

She shuddered. "Indifferent, I think?"

I looked away, begging my own eyes not to water. "Indifferent."

"No, no! Not like that. I mean, about everything. I can't feel anything."

"And how do you think I feel?" I could feel myself reddening and relinquished my hold on her.

"I... I don't know. But it looks like something."

"Dammit, Sayaka. Of course it's something. I stay up for days on end worrying that you're cold or hungry. When you're gone, I don't know if you're alive or dead. Even when you're here, you won't look at me. You won't talk to me."

Her stare was painfully present, though blocked by fresh tears threatening to fall. "I mean, God. I'm trying so fucking hard. Do you think I'm doing this because I like it? I wanna see you smile. I wanna hear your voice. I hate how things are." I could see her lip quiver and hated myself for being unable to stop. "God dammit, Sayaka. I love you! You'd think..."

My hand shot up over my mouth, and she looked down, a tiny sob escaping her lips and tears falling onto her clenched fists. I stood.

"I... I'm sorry. I'll go, okay?"

"Kyoko..."

I laughed. "Yeah, I know. It's okay. I'll go."

"You said I wouldn't be alone anymore. You promised."

"That was... You won't be alone though, right? I mean, it's not just me."

"Kyoko..."

"It's okay. You don't have to explain anything. I'm not mad, I just... Sometimes I get that way, y'know?"

"Kyoko."

"Yeah, I know. It's okay. I don't want to make things weird." I took a step, but she grabbed onto my arm.

"I do feel a little bit. I do feel something when you kiss me. I wanted to be numb at first, but it hurt too much... That doesn't make any sense, I'm sorry." I stood still, trying not to feel the warmth of her hand on my forearm or wonder whether she was still crying quietly. "I don't know what I'm doing. I don't... have anyone else, if that's what you think. I just wanted to see how he was doing, that's all."

"Kyosuke."

She nodded, her nose close enough to brush my shoulder blade. I shivered at the faint tickle of the touch, and she leaned forward into me. "I'm sorry." Her voice was muffled, but I could feel that she was crying again. I turned and allowed her to bury her face in my chest, tears spilling with weak hiccoughs in my tank top. I couldn't speak, couldn't comfort her when the only thing I could think about was how she would have preferred to be held by someone else. Someone worth giving up everything to Kyubey. Like I had given up my life for her.

My jealousy threatened to become rage, and I tightened under her grasp in fear. I couldn't be like that anymore. No more Angry Kyoko. No more Scared Kyoko. I was Calm and Supportive Kyoko now. And Sayaka, no matter what she may have wished, was crying to me. I could stop being a child and accept that she needed more than I could give her.

If it was for her, I could be good.


End file.
